Excerpts From A Teen Journal Entitled, “I Went On A Date With Holden Caulfield Once And He Didn’t Like Me”

Julia Harrison, Opinion Editor

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All I’m saying is, Travis Koshko better get his facts straight because I’m tired of waking up at 7 a.m. and rolling out of bed on mornings that, according to Mr. Koshko, the ground “will be coated in snow” but is, instead, coated in wet rain.

All I’m saying is, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to ask that my dad cooks onions and bacon at 8:15 when I’m out of the house, instead of 8:00, when I’m still in it, so that I don’t smell like a sweaty pig all day. But still, the house is in an uproar because I’ve asked my father to “wait 15 minutes.” And now I’ve locked myself in the bathroom upstairs aggressively reading Beowulf for a quiz I’ll take and fail in half-an-hour, with my toothbrush hanging from my mouth like a cigarette.

All I’m saying is, I’m 100% certain now that these cryptic before-school teacher meetings are when each department gets together and plans to assign all their papers and essays and projects at the same time so that they can then watch their students flesh start to rot over the next two weeks, so they can throw markers at whoever falls asleep in class, so they can watch each one of us break pencil after pencil in neurotic frustration.

All I’m saying is, parents should recognize that if their son or daughter brings home a new friend, they should say anything besides “Hello nice to meet you where are you going to college!!!” And, when, in the instance that they make the mistake of asking, and the friend of their son or daughter politely responds “I’m taking some time off from school to figure out what I want to do,” they should know not to make that horrible Disapproving Adult Grimace that they’re always making when teenagers say things.

All I’m saying is, underwear is too expensive.

All I’m saying is, Italy is too far away.

All I’m saying is, the half-plastic marshmallows in the Swiss Miss packets are so terribly irrelevant to the whole experience because they melt within seconds, milliseconds practically, once you’ve poured the hot water (or hot milk, everyone calm down) into your maybe-washed Christmas mug.

All I’m saying is, if we want real gender equality, we must begin with pocket equality.

All I’m saying is the chai tea at the Tea Bazaar tastes a lot like milky mucus and everyone knows it and just because you’re wearing a beanie and some fancy pants doesn’t mean you have to drink it! You are free to order the House Blend or the Yerba Mate or the Malaki Mukha (I made that last one up–it is Filipino for “big face”). You are really free!

All I’m saying is, I don’t understand why adults are always getting upset when their kids say they would rather stay in the car than go into places like Lowe’s or Sears or Steinmart. I think they should be proud that their child is refusing to support big business, to support the same corporate America that destroys the individual by turning them into a materialistic, coupon-clipping monster!

All I’m saying is, if I always had a carton of raspberries in the fridge and a french press and a pair of silk pajamas, leaving my bed would not be so bad.

All I’m saying is, I’m really okay, I think we’re all pretty okay and also cashews are disgusting.